In this episode, Dr. Scott and Tommy address a common listener question about how to navigate fasting with a partner who does not live a fasting lifestyle. With an emphasis on planning, priorities, and healthy communication, they have seen many couples merge their ways of life over time to result in amazing transformations for both parties! They reverse engineer success stories to apply key steps to a variety of scenarios.
Show Transcript: www.thefastingforlife.com/blog
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Fasting For Life Ep. 108.mp3
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:00:01] Hello. I'm Dr. Scott Watier
Tommy Welling: [00:00:03] And I'm Tommy Welling, and you're listening to the Fasting for Life podcast.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:00:08] This podcast is about using fasting as a tool to regain your health. Achieve ultimate wellness and live the life you truly deserve. Each episode is a short conversation on
Tommy Welling: [00:00:17] A single topic with immediate, actionable steps. We cover everything from fat loss and health and wellness to the science
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:00:23] Of lifestyle design. We started fasting for life because of how fasting has transformed our lives, and we hope to share the tools that we have learned
[00:00:30] Along the way.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:00:40] Hey, everyone, welcome to the Fasting for Life podcast. My name is Dr. Scott Watier and I'm here as always with my good friend and colleague Tommy Welling. Good afternoon to you, sir. Hey, Scott, how are you doing? Fantastic, my friend. We're going to hopefully have an interesting conversation today. It's one that we have enjoyed having multiple times. We've had it inside of our continuity group. You and I have had it personally with friends, with family, sometimes even with coworkers. We deem it the marriage merge and we're going to take a little different approach to it today and hopefully give you some action steps or some perspective around the long term application of a fasting lifestyle and what that looks like. So I think we're going to do a good job as always. But you know, maybe we're a little bit biased here, but it's going to be a fun conversation regardless. So if you are new to the podcast, you can go back to episode one hundred. Take a listen. Kind of like the episode one hundred reset. We highlight some of the episodes that had the greatest response and impact that we've heard from you guys, the listeners. And if you haven't heard our story, you can go back all the way to episode one. Give us a little bit of grace in us telling our stories and how we ended up here and how we ended up, you know, having the challenges and the resources. And that leads me to heading over to the website, the fasting for WW v fasting for life. You can download the Fast Start Guide, which is a free PDF with six steps to put one meal a day fasting into your day to day life, and also the insulin assessment, which is a little bit more of an advanced tool in giving you some subjective insight into whether or not you have the underlying cause of blood sugar related issues, weight loss resistance, et cetera, which is the insulin component of weight loss.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:02:30] So head on over there. Check it out. Hi, Tommy. So, marriage, merge, man, this is going to be a fun one because I'm going to share a couple of personal stories here of my own life, a couple of conversations you've had over the years, and this all came from a question that came in from one of the listeners. So I think we should start there. And she she said, Hello. This is from Blair. Hello, love your podcast. I have a psychological question, so I'm just going to dump this in your lap time and give you the mic and then let you monologue here with your background. So I am an experienced extended faster and have no problem doing that. My boyfriend, both in our sixties, is largely accepting, but he's a large man, six to maybe forty five pounds over, but not fat. I would like to be that I was never 45 pounds over and not fat, extremely focused on food shopping, cooking and eating meat in exotic international ingredients. He wants to know if blank fill in the blank will be good for dinner that night. How can I draw a boundary so the whole evening doesn't end up with me watching him prepare and eat something I have no room or interest for. I'm a fairly slight and small woman, and although an adventurous eater, I don't consume much. Wow. All right, so many layers, yeah,
Tommy Welling: [00:03:45] So so the juxtaposition here is is almost like like he's a he's a foodie and she's a fast like. So we have we have, you know, we have an inherent, you know, conflict of interest here going on sometimes and probably some tension from time to time. Or maybe a little frustration, a little bit of like, man, what's what's he going to come up with next? I'm trying to do an extended fast. Maybe I'm trying to hit 30 hours or 40 hours, or or maybe even longer. And then he has a like a five course sampling planned that he's he's into and, you know, has all the ingredients out, you know, on the on the kitchen counter here. And so what to do next, right?
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:04:32] So let's say he's six to two hundred pounds would be, you know, a good place to probably be if he's fit, right? So let's say he's two fifty six to two fifty is not going to be a sampling. Ok, I used to be 250 to back in my powerlifting days at five 10. So, you know, looking like a strong man in the off season with a big old belly, but you know the big neck and the big tight sleeves and you know, nothing ever fit, right? So I just want to start there like, it's not going to be a sampling. This is an experience this is going to be. I put the brisket on the smoker. I was up all night and I'm going to crush some food. That's the feeling that I'm getting. Yeah, from it. And that's great. We have some foodies in our social circle and in our family, and I'm the complete opposite. I am not a foodie. I land in the fast camp where it's like I'm going to put a couple of meals that I look forward to. My wife and I are going to talk about what we're having on the menu for the week and the meals we're going to prep and the shopping and all that. And I'm good. I don't maybe an anniversary dinner, a special restaurant every now and then. So I'm definitely in the fasting camp, right? But the marriage merge comes to and lands on our feet in a bunch of different ways. We get this question a lot. You know, we had a truck driver once who was like, I'm on board, I'm changing my lifestyle, but my wife is still there might have been vice versa, actually, I don't remember.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:05:54] But like, how do I tell her that this is something she needs to do? And I was like, Well, first of all, you don't do that, right? I was like, What about just playing the podcast while you guys are in the car together, you know, something that brings in a third party authority. So I love the concept of the marriage merge that there has to be a merging of values and goals. And I think that's probably where the first breakdown comes from, because I know if I went back into my past when I was growing up and we went to my mom's house, which is my friend French for grandma. Mm yeah, I'm probably pronouncing it horribly with a French accent. I know zero French, even though I'm half French, right? French, Canadian, I guess, or Canadian French never really know. But if I ever said No Mammy, I'm good. I don't need a second portion. Oh, you're a growing boy here. And then there's your plate. Or if I said no to the chocolate cream pie. Oh, man, I want a small piece, I'd get half the pie, I'm like, No, so I know there's this, this this fear of upsetting the individual rejection, all of that stuff that comes around and comes from the cultural aspect of food in my situation. So it really should start with an alignment of values and goals and a conversation of what the week could look like and when these special you said the word experiences can happen.
Tommy Welling: [00:07:11] Yeah, and do you think that it would be helpful if they kind of came to the same page about like I wonder if a lot of planning is going into this beforehand? You know, like at the beginning, sounds like it. Yeah, I mean, so I wonder how often these experiences are happening, like, is this every single night? Or is it once or twice a week or like this must be coming up often enough for for her to feel this, this level of like uncertainty or tension like in the relationship?
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:07:44] Yeah, and that was her question How can I draw boundaries, right? How can I draw boundaries? Well, that starts with aligning values and goals, right? Having some healthy conflict of I know that you love this. I want to be a part of it with you. I don't need a full portion. Let's make this more of like one of those cooking shows or maybe fine dining restaurants where you go in and you get the big plate that looks all fancy. And then in the middle is like one or two little bites of food. Little bites. Right? Because because of the richness and the fullness of the food. So the juxtaposition here is obviously in the goals, right? But there's also the fact that she's fairly slight and small and likes to fast and doesn't really consume much. Mm hmm. So we're kind of at polar opposites here. Right. So that's why I love the foodie versus Basti. So how do you merge in the middle? Really, I think we can start reverse engineering this back from the conversation of what maintenance a fasting maintenance or a fasting lifestyle should look like when you're not in a fat loss phase because it sounds like she's probably either close to maintenance or bouncing around there somewhere where this might be throwing feeling like she has to give up the thing that got her the results right?
Tommy Welling: [00:08:57] Yeah, yeah. As far as like the extended fast, she said, I'm an experienced, extended faster right. Right. And you know, extending extended fasting can be a very powerful tool. But when when it's our main tool that we use to get our fat loss results, then it can be hard to let go of to. And and we've actually seen it, you know, be the reason why some people bounce back and forth around maintenance without really getting to their end goal or it taking a lot longer to get to their end goal. Because instead of being really, really intentional when I sit down and break my fast, I'm I'm allowing more volatility to come in and feeling like I need to undo that by using extended fasting. And so I'm seeing these bigger swings, bigger ups and downs on the scale. Even if it is trending downward, it can take a lot longer to do that. And so I could see that being a real issue in a in a household, in a situation and in a relationship like this as well.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:09:57] Yeah. And so beginning with the end in mind and looking at what the maintenance lifestyle should look like this is, this is a conversation we have often during the challenges and in our continuity group and via email and messages and questions that we receive is, OK, what is it? What does it look like? So I'm fasting then than I eat. So what does that look like? So it's like there's two parts to the equation you fast and then you eat, right? So there's the fasting and the feeding, so to speak. So, yeah, yeah, exactly right. So like, you just highlighted one of the things that people sometimes struggle with, which is that connection to food, the things that stress us out, the sleep, the things that are pushing us to go back to the habits that got us into the into the the the overweight situation or the metabolically unhealthy situation or the I'm on medication and don't want to be in. My doctor says I need to lose weight. Or maybe you're having some blood sugar issues at this point. So the just swinging back and forth with this volatility is not what we want. So maintenance really should look like long term nourishment, long term health, strength, longevity, good sleep because we know that that's so important, especially for insulin resistance and hormone balancing. And, you know, the hormones that control hunger, right? Leptin, all of those different things stress. So looking at this overall healthy end goal of what maintenance should look like, you should be having less volatility in your fasting windows. You shouldn't have to do a seventy two hour fast every week. Yeah, fasting is a tool that got you there. So that's why I really like the concept or the underlying tone here. Maybe the reading between the lines a little bit that it seems like that may be a sticking point where she doesn't feel she has the confidence to give that up. Yet, while still wanting to connect with her boyfriend and have these experiences?
Tommy Welling: [00:11:47] Yeah, because I know a lot of folks who use, you know, dinner as their main maintenance meal and it's more of an extended dinner. So it feels very similar to what she's kind of describing here where it might be, you know, it might be a one hour or a two hour. It could even be a little longer, but you know, an hour or two worth of kind of an experience. You know, I know some busy professionals who, you know, take the opportunity, you know, most nights to, you know, to have dinner out. And it's it's a social thing, but it's also a good way for them to maintain their health and their weight. They enjoy the foods they are in control of their health metrics. They feel great. They like the number on the scale and they're maintaining those results long term. And I think that could work in, you know, well for for a maintenance plan here where where she she kind of looks at it more like an extended one meal a day to actually maintain those results. So it might be the fact that she she still feels like there's a little bit more weight to lose, but but doesn't feel in control of getting from, you know that maybe she's 90 percent of the way they're getting that last 10 percent and then being able to maintain that long term. So I think just a little switch there and she would have a solid plan that she can be confident about and then that would merge really well into what her boyfriend's priorities are as well.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:13:14] Yeah. And I'm hoping that it's not breakfast, lunch and dinner, right? That are these experiences, right? Yeah. Because if they are, then we've got another issue, right? Ok, well, good point. Maybe we should. Yeah, maybe we should. Yeah, I don't need the, you know, the exotic breakfast. Let's let's focus on the dinner. And this reminds me of when my wife and I were uncovering, you know, the issues that I was. Having and all the testing that I did and the tracking and all the hiring, the nutritionist and the functional medicine and me being a provider and running the blood work and looking for third party help and be like, OK, what am I missing? You know, my wife and I are vastly different. Yeah, she eats typically four to five meals a day. She has zero visceral fat. She has the highest level of health you can get when it comes to life insurance qualifications. Preferred plus extra miles first class. All right, you get the glass of champagne when you sit down and they get the feet warm or whatever you know, like she is, she's way like royalty. That's just. And she, yeah, she's royalty. She's worked really hard at it, and her body responds really well to a more balanced energy source. So between the three macros carbs now protein and fat. So for her to get down as lean as she has and competed and ran the marathons and all that different things that she's done over the years, we are a complete taking two completely different paths to get there.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:14:29] But we both went to see this person in Houston. I've told this story before, so I won't redo it here, but ended up going through like six to eight weeks. And she could see that I was struggling and I wasn't getting any better. Right. And we had been doing the same schedule, the same plan, and we just sat down and we're like, Well, this isn't working for me. So now if we compare that to the fast lifestyle, right, compared to the food, because I was doing five meals a day, I was I was doing the the specific breakdowns, the weighing, the macros, the very specific heart rate based workouts where it was like wearing a heart rate monitor on my around my chest, like making sure that I wasn't getting into this range that would not allow me to burn some of the fat, etc. all this stuff, right? So coming in now to look at where we're at now in terms of how we both live and have results and have success. Mm hmm. The conversation is now much simpler. We have a calendar on our fridge. And we talk for 30 minutes on Saturday morning, sometimes Sunday night, if we don't get to it Saturday morning and it's OK. I know you don't eat Wednesday night because in our house, breakfast is Wednesday nights, right? So my wife's in the clinic late.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:15:46] The kids, we make homemade waffles, homemade pancakes. Sometimes you just do bacon, eggs and sausage like whatever. It's breakfast for dinner. Yeah. Not my thing. So I just don't eat dinner on Wednesday nights unless there's a special. I'm like, No, not going to do it. So then at the beginning, she's like, Oh, this is what we're going to eat this week. When are you eating this week, when are you one of your meals? We have a date night. We have priorities like a non-negotiable like we talk about timing where it's like you look at the schedule, you put in your non-negotiables. So my encouragement would be for Blair would be, where are your non-negotiables? You want the connection, you want the merge of values. You can both live your lives differently in terms of how you get results and how you have a healthy relationship and long term health. But putting in the non-negotiables, putting in the planned experiences, so you still have that connection, but then you don't have the potential, you know, overstepping a boundary, feeling guilty, hating to say no, not wanting to like overeat for you and your lifestyle. So I just like the idea of intentionally putting those non-negotiables in and then really focusing on the experience of of him being so good at what he does, which is creating this food in that experience.
Tommy Welling: [00:17:02] Yeah. And those non-negotiables, those are a real game changer. And I know a lot of folks don't necessarily practice non-negotiables or communicating what those are like. Here are my top priorities. I've decided what they are for myself. That's that's step one. You have to decide what they are for you. Then step two would be communicating them with the people who are important to you in your in your household or your social circle so that they can understand. And you know, they they will almost always respect those if you communicate them, but you can't expect them to just read your mind and to understand what they are. But if you if you don't decide what they are and you don't communicate them, then you've put yourself into a situation where you're likely to feel like you need to say no, but you can't or you don't want to hurt that person's feelings. And so now all of a sudden, you're feeling like their priorities just became higher than yours and you have multiple situations and they start adding up to those those feelings of frustration and and like, I can't really make headway on what's important to me, and that becomes, you know, can be a point of resentment right there. So a little bit of deciding for yourself and a little bit of communication of what those important goals are kind of insulates you from that situation. And now all of a sudden, not only are you on the right track, but now you have a spouse that's supportive as well because they understand what's important to you. And now you can you can really start moving powerfully forward.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:18:33] Yeah. And I just this is one of the cool things about the conversations that we get to have and the conversations that you and I have. And when we talk about fasting pretty much all the time, it's no different than right. And any crossfitters out there, don't I did it for years, did the open four years in a row? I know there was a big change with the gentleman who's been leading it for 15 years. He's been replaced. I know there's been a lot of change in how they do things, so do not take this as a slight. My wife is still a CrossFit or even in pregnancy, she's modifying, she's working out, et cetera. Yeah, big CrossFit supporters took care of some athletes, went to the CrossFit Games one year was in the athlete tent like taking care of the team that came from Katie shout out to, I think that was circa 2014. So shout out to CrossFit Katie here. But if you've ever met a CrossFit or they talk a lot about CrossFit, right? Right, like there's a meme out there that's going around, right? Yeah. So it's like fasting. The first two rules of fasting when you start or don't talk about fasting. Yeah. So you have to have this alignment or this conversation. We call it healthy conflict between my wife and I. Healthy conflict of, OK, yeah, no, this is fine. Let's work through this. Let's talk about it. Let's get some alignment here. Yeah, and I'm very logical. She's very emotional. So you can imagine not not in a bad way, but she communicates with her emotion.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:19:56] I communicate with logic, right? So I don't know if anybody out there is relating to this, probably. But don't raise your hand or look at your significant other. If you're driving the car right now, don't do it right. Then you just keep looking straight and looking straight, right? Just look at the red light. So right. My point I bring that up is at some point you, your social circles, your relationships, your people that are in your inner circle that you interact with need to know your goals. Because if you are a, you know, someone who's trying to qualify for the CrossFit Games and you're out, you know, sabotaging all the hard work that you're doing in the gym, I would expect my buddy to look at me and be like, Hey, dude, like, what are you doing? You know, like maybe we won't, you know, maybe we don't have to have the big, you know, celebration this weekend or like there just needs to be that alignment. So the first two rules are fascinating or don't talk about fasting in this situation. You really need to talk about fasting. You need to sit down and say, this is something I enjoy, something I love doing, and I want to make sure that we're on the same page and that we continue to grow together in our relationship before, you know. You know, if she reached out with this question, I'm sure, like you said, Tommy, at some point there's been multiple points of that tension or just that awkwardness that comes up.
Tommy Welling: [00:21:09] Yeah, you know, because if if you're if you're on a normal like three times a day eating schedule, let alone four or five or even six times per day, depending on what your goals are or whose advice you're following. I know I followed advice like that for a long time. It didn't get me anywhere. It actually took me backwards. But that can be that can be really different and a big point of conflict for someone who's who's living a fasting and insulin controlled lifestyle. But you know, for for our listener here with this question, when you start, when you understand what your own goals are and then you communicate them to your spouse. Think of the connection points like that next special dinner experience is going to be really cool when you can let all of your frustration go and you can actually look forward to the next one. You're your boyfriend or spouse is going to be looking forward to it as well because they know you're more excited about it and you guys can come together, have a deeper connection over that shared experience. And then that's when potentially a spouse's defenses come down as well, where they can start to see how this can work with the things that are important to them. And you know, you said he wasn't fat, but he has. He's 40 pounds overweight, so maybe he's not in control of his own insulin levels right now. So maybe he starts to see how this works for you. And then he goes, Yeah, you know what? Hold on. What did you just do? You set a timer for for 30 hours? Ok, let me go ahead and do that too. I'll I'll meet you back here for for, for for breakfast or for for dinner a day or two from now. And and that's going to be a really cool thing. Another set of shared experiences right there. We see that all the time.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:22:56] So three things I want to I want to put a disclaimer in here, we are not marriage counseling experts. Ok, so just like when we say this is not medical advice, OK, this is right, you can't get what you don't have. So I'm just we're just speaking from experience of what we've done. You know what I've done in my own life, right? I should say, I don't speak for you, OK? I don't know. Me too. Yeah, OK, cool. So just just just getting that out there, right? And then this reminds me of a situation when I was back in grad school and I had a friend who was making some pretty big lifestyle changes, you know, used to be a division to football and athlete. Then with his wife or since they were really, really young, had transitioned into the workforce, then back to school. And we started learning about nutrition and physiology and all this stuff. And he made some pretty big lifestyle changes. Hmm. So this is the second thing I said three things, right? So make sure then the point here tell me. And I remember when he went home with his plan and told his wife, Hey, this is when we're living in tiny small apartments like walking to class. For however, many credit out 40 credit hours a week, right? Like staying up night cramming for physiology exams and biochemistry exams, right? And he goes home and he's like, Yeah, this is my new plan. I'm going absolutely sugar free, low carb, cutting out all refined processed foods. And I'm like, He just went complete.
Tommy Welling: [00:24:30] Overhaul overhaul. Yeah, like.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:24:32] And his wife, I know her well. I know what she said, and I cannot say it here. And over the course of the next, it took about six months for his results and his improvements to become to to bring clarity to the relationship in the situation. And now she and him are completely on board in this in the same boat. Yeah, he does her own thing. He does his own thing, but they have this alignment, right? And we've seen this from other people that have reached out and said, Hey, my husband, this is my favorite one. Because typically what we see when we do the challenge is it's about 60, sometimes 70 percent women who come into the challenges, right? And then with our listenership, it's now like a what is it? It's like a 60, 40, 60 40 split, right? Same thing when I was in practice and. It's interesting because we'll get these messages where you know, somebody will do a challenge. They'll join the continuity group. We don't hear from them, they hit maintenance, they're having great success and then they pop up right, like little meerkat and they look around and they're like, Hey, I'm here, I'm back. It's time for me to do a longer fast. I've been doing great whatever, but the coolest ones are, and I was like, Hey, my husband did the challenge with me, and now we're down total together. We're down 80 pounds, right? He's lost 30. I've lost 50. We're down one hundred and ten pounds. He's no longer a diabetic. I'm like, I didn't even know he existed.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:25:58] Right? Because we didn't even know he was doing the challenge with you. Right? Right. Yeah. And I'll say this, you know, I'm resistant to change. You know, my wife knows that. Don't change the schedule on me when we agreed on the on the schedule. So I've just seen that develop over time, and that's one of the coolest things. So the third thing is when we get to hear these marriage merge experiences. So just adding some lending, some perspective, Tommy, as we wrap up today's episode, some action steps for the listeners. If this is a situation that they've had, this doesn't have to be husband and wife. This can be friend. This can be coworker at lunch. Hey, you go get lunch every day. Ok, well, lunch typically is a fast paced, quick, convenient type meal and you're doing it every day. Maybe you work in a health care office and you guys go to you, pick you pick a place one day. It's Chinese food. The next day it's Chick fil A. The next day it's insert whatever right next to sandwiches. It's pizza. Well, yes, there's going to be some. Hey, you know what? I'm just doing. Lunch is Tuesday and Thursday this week. Yeah. So this applies to every relationship when it comes to fasting. So we're actually telling you to break the rule. The two rules of fasting for life don't talk about fasting and don't talk about fasting. So a couple of action steps here. Tell me for for everyone as we as we wrap up today.
Tommy Welling: [00:27:14] Yeah, talk a little bit about fasting, right? But but only only in the important realms with the important people who can who are who are with you, like on a day to day basis. You know, they're in your circle. They're in your household. Explain to them or express the things that are important to you. So first step is going to be to get started, like, have a plan for yourself and get started. So if you don't have one yet, go download the fast start guide. Be fasting for life. Get the fast start guide and and have a plan to get started. Then just just write down one or two, maybe maximum three of your most important priorities. Like What are they? Where do you think you're going to run run into a little bit of tension, maybe in your household or with your coworkers and just express those to those those few most important people to you? And if you're new to fasting, you might just say, Yeah, I know it sounds a little bit different, but I'm just going to I'm just going to try this for a week or two. Ok, so just just bear with me for a minute here, and I'm going to see how it goes. If I like it, then then then we'll talk. But but just just allay some fears. This isn't a long term thing. Just relax, guys.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:28:23] Ok, it's it's just a temporary perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Well, said. Yeah, if you knew the podcast, like we said, appreciate you listening for all of our long term listeners. Thank you all so much. Coming up on a pretty cool milestone here in the near future, so we'll share that with you. And we do appreciate reviews. So as Facebook is adding podcasts and Spotify, upping their their their content management, and as we're blasting this off across the airwaves, across all of the countries that you guys hear our voices in, we're very appreciative. We thank you very much for listening. But we do appreciate five star reviews that tells us what we appreciate all reviews. Good and bad, we listen. I promise we read them all. All the messages that come in, we read them all. Yeah, but go ahead and leave a review because that really gives us or tells the people that run this stuff and all of the technology behind the scenes that we're doing something good. And then we're going to continue to put these episodes out weekly and hopefully continue to deliver value. So, Tommy, thank you, sir, for today's conversation. I enjoyed it. And we'll talk soon.
Tommy Welling: [00:29:25] Thank you. Bye. So you've heard today's episode, and you may be wondering, where do I start? Head on over to the fasting for links and sign up for our newsletter, where you'll receive fasting tips and strategies to maximize results and fit fasting into your day to day life.
Dr. Scott Watier: [00:29:41] Why are you there? Download your free fast start guide to get started today. Don't forget to subscribe on iTunes, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Make sure to leave us a five star review, and we'll be back next week with another episode of Fasting for Life.
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